The "F" Word
There was a time when I had put a lot of weight. About 30 pounds. I stopped "primping". I stopped running and exercising. I just stopped caring. What was going on in my life at that time? My little girl (7 at the time) was fighting cancer. All energy went into helping her stay comfortable, giving her medicine and shots and trying to give her some semblance of a childhood. Plus, I had Matt and Mindy who were 5 and 3. I still needed to be Mommy to them. This was a time that I felt I had nothing left to give. Not to my husband at the time. Not for myself. After Kelley died (age 9), life slowly got into a different routine. Matt and Mindy were (and are) active children and that became a wonderful distraction. I put all my energies into becoming a super Mom. Trying to make up for not being around for them for the past 2 and a half years. There comes a point when you're "running" as fast and as hard as I was... without self-care or breaks... you will hit a wall. For me, it was when I saw a photo of myself on our friend's boat. I saw how much weight I had put on. I didn't like what I saw. Not necessarily because of the weight, although I'd be lying if that wasn't a huge trigger for me, but that I just didn't look like myself. I felt frumpy. I felt sloppy and lumpy and unattractive. More importantly, I didn't feel like myself. By this time, it had been a few years. Mindy and Matt were about 7 and 9. There are many moments in my life, so far, where I have felt this loss of self... but this moment is one of the top on my list. So, what did I do? I took action. I did what I always tend to do. I make lots of changes to "fix" the problem. I went on Weight Watchers. I started running again. I lost 30 pounds. I shopped for new clothes. I went back to work in a corporate office. (I had been running my own company for 8 years). I felt better. I can tell you, I didn't feel transformed. In fact, even though I looked healthier and I had new clothes, I still felt frumpy. I still felt unattractive. It was during this time that my marriage was falling apart. He didn't like these changes. He accused me of having an affair. This killed me, because I was just trying to feel attractive again. Fast forward, I'm divorced and now engaged to Joe. I'm happy. I'm not as thin as I was when I lost all that weight, but I don't feel frumpy. I feel good about myself on most days. I still run and challenge myself to release those "5 pounds". But I'm happy. Frumpy is the "F" word. It's a word we use to describe ourselves when we feel less than. It's a word that says "I don't look good. I don't feel like myself. Nothing I do is going to make me look better. I'm kinda giving up." But we don't give up, right? If you were giving up, you wouldn't be reading this. If I was reading this, 6 years ago, my next question would be... HOW? How did you go from pain and loss to feeling OK? We want to feel amazing and we, also, need to feel OK, right? And we want to feel like ourselves again... even if it's a new version of yourself. I did 2 things.
- I did a LOT of work on my mindset. How I think about things in general. How I think about my self. How I think about money. I made it a standard part of my life to constantly study and improve areas of my life. To become self aware to why I'm behaving a certain way.
- I started cleaning out my life.
- Posted in Category_Blog